Thursday, December 3, 2009

Why I don't fly

Recently, I have been travelling by train and the obvious question comes up: “Why don’t you just fly?”

Rather than writing a diatribe, I’ll LIST the reasons and we can discuss them at some length in the future. Here’s my list. My reasons are not JUST limited to this list, because I may leave one (or more) off; CRS disease, you know. Here goes:

1 – Erosion of personal freedom. Really, I have to remove my belt AND shoes? What’s up with that? If they randomly select someone to search, I’m the guy. I’m American and Italian. I’m not a religious zealot. I was born Catholic and haven’t been to church in years. I wouldn’t even know HOW to make an explosive device. The closest I came was blowing up my model cars with Cat’s Eyes™ firecrackers. I was 10 at the time.

2 - Long lines waiting to get through security. Once, I flew from Denver to San Jose. I was waiting in line longer than I was in the air. 90 minutes versus 55 minutes.

3 – The seats are SO comfortable. Need I say more?

4 – I ALWAYS get sick. SOMEONE on board is sick and the recirculated air gets to ME.

5 – How come I can’t bring water on board? And please, may I have the whole 12 oz. of soda, instead of the ½ can.

6 – God forbid if I should get hungry during the flight (see #5 above). If I can’t bring water, what makes you think they will let me bring a sandwich?

7 – The flight attendants are SO happy to be there. I understand that this job is very difficult and I realize many of these young women, especially, probably get hit on by every jerk getting on the plane, but please don’t assume I am one of those guys. I’m not. Is it SO hard to be polite?

8 – That bratty kid that kicks the seat is ALWAYS right behind me. And the woman is holding the crying baby with the bratty 3-yr old. Last time I flew, I told the woman with the kid, “If that brat kicks my seat once more, I’m going to slap YOU!” The kicking stopped.

9 – Don’t know about the tuba. Sometimes they flat out won’t take it. Years ago, I flew to Pennsylvania to play a gig. The tuba got TO Pennsy ok, but on the way back, they weren’t going to take it. The security guy made all sorts of lame excuses why he couldn’t take the tuba. Finally, I bribed him. I slipped him $50 and the horn got right on board.

10 – Why, if there is a problem, do we have to wait IN the plane for the situation to be cleared up? Recently, a friend of mine told me she sat in a plane for over 2 hours. Couldn’t they bring the passengers back to the terminal, liquor them up for their trouble and re-board later?

11 – Why do I have to get to the airport 2 hours early? Can someone PLEASE explain this to me? ESPECIALLY when so many flights are delayed anyway.

12 – Customer SERVICE? HA, that’s a joke!

13 – I hate flying. Not the LEAST of my worries. If a motorcycle fails, you coast to a stop, same with a car. If a plane fails, you drop out of the sky like a rock. Two of my very best friends EVER were killed in plane crashes. My life is greatly diminished because of these two losses. I will NEVER get over the loss of Vic, NEVER. I miss him every day.

And there you have it. Discuss amongst yourselves.

2 comments:

  1. Try taking a Tuba mouthpiece on in your carry-on luggage. I tried, had a whole collection of TSA guys standing around looking at the view screen, then they pulled my bag out and had me come over to the table to explain what the strange object was on the x-ray machine. Finally had to buzz the william tell overature on one of them until they got it.

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  2. flying has never been a good experience and has only gotten worse. You left out the whole trying to land in the Central Valley in heavy fog where they make three passes to try to find the airport before flying you off to some place they can see. Camels in the runway, being tossed around on tiny planes in thunderstorms and being held up in the security line by someone who doesn't get the concept that you need to remove ALL metal from your pockets are all some of the treats.

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